On Happiness

Tourq over at Stuffer Shack wrote a post that hit pretty close to home for me. He writes very candidly about a string of unsatisfying jobs, and how it made him feel. Go read it; it’s long, but worth the time. In any case, while my story is not nearly so dramatic as his, there are similarities, particularly in the way it made me feel. This is going to be a personal post, so if you’re not interested in that, feel free to go read something else. I won’t be offended.

College was, perhaps, the best time of my life. I’m a bit of an academic at heart; I love learning new things and talking about those things with people, and that’s really what college is all about. In addition, there was a sense of freedom and acceptance that I simply hadn’t experienced until that point in my life. It was wonderful, and I squandered it.

Let me be a bit clearer on that. I did a lot of great things, met a lot of great people, and learned a lot of great stuff during college. Heck, I met my wife in college. The problem was, I was so into learning the things that I wanted to learn, taking classes like Science Fiction and Poetry Writing, that I never really learned much that would help me in the real world. I graduated with a degree in Literary Studies, with a minor in Computer Programming.

I looked for a job in the tech field for a while after college; I really wanted to work in the video game industry, and was looking for a stepping stone toward that. I went on some interviews, for which I was never contacted back. Eventually, through a family friend, I fell into a job doing validation in the pharmaceutical industry. I’m not going to explain what validation is; suffice it to say that the explanation is far more interesting than the reality.

I spent two years in that job. It was a contract position, so I had to travel a lot. I made a lot of money off of expense reimbursement, and I built up a lot of rewards points on my credit card; financially, it was actually really good. The problem was that I derived zero job satisfaction from it, and hated travelling all the time. I began looking for a job in earnest.

Desparation can make you do stupid things. I was so unhappy in my job, so convinced that anything would be an improvment, that I jumped into a job working as an administrative assistant at a registrar’s office at a Pennsylvania college. It seemed great at first, but I quickly grew to realize that it was not the job for me. I was not particularly good at it, and I lost that job fairly quickly.

Luckily, I had landed a gig working at Staples. At this point in my life, my dream had shifted to starting up my own hobby store, so I figured I needed some retail experience. I was good at retail; I found that I could sell things to people pretty easily, even if I often felt uncomfortable about it afterward. The problem with working at a place like Staples is that you’re often selling people things they don’t really need and won’t use, like product replacement plans. After about eight months I jumped ship.

My next job was working at the Delaware Autism Program, as a para-educator. I was happy there. Autism is something close to my heart (my brother has autism), and I was working with people I liked. The pay wasn’t great (in fact, each job after the first had paid less than the previous one), but I was enjoying it. Sadly, it was not to last. Budgetary concerns forced the management to let some of the newer employees go, myself included. The principal was extremely apologetic, and his glowing recommendation helped land me my next job.

This time, I was a teacher in a small private school for children with ausism in Pennsylvania, the Comprehensive Learning Center. I worked there for a little more than four years, and the first three or so were great. I enjoyed what I did, and derived immense satisfaction from it. Happily, it also paid more than any job since the first one. Also, I was working with some really cool people, which was nice.

The problem with being a teacher, especially a special ed teacher, is that you can burn out on it really quickly. Some people are meant to be teachers, it’s in their blood. Some people have the drive and fortitude to work the long hours required and to deal with all of the headaches that come along with the job. These people should be commended, put on a pedistal, and paid huge amounts of money. I am not one of these people. Three years was, apparently, my burn-out point, and that last year was really miserable for me. I hated being there, I resented the kids. That was a real wake-up call for me, resenting the kids. I started looking for something else, because I was probably doing more harm than good by staying there, to everyone involved. My bosses, I think, noticed my change in attitude, and beat me to the punch.

Let me make this clear: I bear them no ill will. They’re doing great things at the Comprehensive Learning Center. It’s a top-notch school, and if you can get your kid in there, you won’t be sorry. They made the right call for the school. It was just unfortunate for me, because it meant that I was unemployed.

Unemployment was stressful, but also kind of a pallette-cleanser. It gave me some time to really test the waters and see what I wanted to do with my life. I went on a number of interviews, many of which convinced me of what I didn’t want to do with my life. After a few months, though, I landed a job.

And that’s where I am now. I’m doing QA in the fashion industry, for an e-commerce site. And you know what? I love it. Working here is, in many ways, like being back at college. I’m working with people I really like, I’m in a laid-back and creative environment, and I’m constantly learning new things. QA is like solving puzzles a lot of the time, which I love. I even get to bring my dog to work.

I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say that I’m probably happier than I’ve ever been where I am right now. And yet, I still find myself feeling depressed, or irattionally irritated, or even on the verge of mind-numbing rage, over fairly minor things.

Something is clearly wrong. As happy as I am, something is clearly wrong. The reason I’m even mentioning this last part is so that maybe it’ll galvanize me to actually do something about it, now that it’s out there. My wife has told me to talk to someone, a professional, about it. I think it’s a great idea. And yet, I haven’t made a move to do so yet. I need to; I know I do. Maybe now I will.

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